Daybert asked me to contribute to his blog as a result of a friendly Facebook debate about eye contact in casino dancing. Little did he know that what inspired this debate in the first place was a video of HIM and my wifey, Wilma, dancing casino at our Toda La Familia Weekender in New Orleans. Now you know! Jeje.

My name is Nicole Goldin (Peruvian; she, her) and I am a therapist by day and the executive director of Dile Que NOLA by night. I also double as the obsessive social media posting monster for our Facebook page. Recently, I noticed trends of our videos gaining more traction from Cuban nationals, both residing in Cuba and displaced around the world. It is fascinating that our videos are not in the “dancer” algorithm, but are attracting the day-to-day Cuban audience, specifically those 40+ years old. Because our mission at Dile Que NOLA is to disseminate Cuban culture through dance, it is super important for us to understand their perspective on Casino, and a great tool is reading their comments on social media. 

Circling back, this particular video of Daybert and Wilma was one of the first videos Dile Que NOLA posted that had 99% positive comments. Check out this snippet:

Now, our videos get the typical “too many turns” or “casino is communism” or ridiculous homophobic comments. Those are personal and usually ill-intended, so I pay them no mind. That said, there was a particular comment from a Cuban woman in her 60s or 70s who lives in Havana that caught my attention because it was respectful and it posed a question:

Translation:

Why does the Cuban man, when he dances, never look at the woman? Instead, he acts in a derogatory way towards her. He lifts his head up and looks at everyone, except her. I don’t understand this. Could someone please explain? 

I rewatched that video a dozen times that night and tried to see what she saw. And I did. 

Funny how perspective works: What had originally been a video that I had watched incessantly with a smile on my face, was now giving me mixed feelings. Was it truly derogatory to not look at your dance partner? Wait, but Wilma was having so much fun! And so was Daybert! And they danced so well together! Weren’t they laughing and singing to each other? Yes, it is true that there was no eye contact, but they still looked AT each other, right?

Boiling it down to semantics, the definition of derogatory is “a disrespectful attitude.” As an insider, knowing both Wilma, Daybert and the context, I knew that disrespect was nowhere to be found in this exchange. The commenter appeared to be equating Daybert not looking “at” Wilma with being disrespectful. So, really, it really wasn’t about looking into her eyes, but just “at” her. 

Drawing a clear line between constructs such as respect versus disrespect in a dance context may be an impossible feat. However, when I think of truly disrespectful attitudes, videos such as this one come to mind. 

Not only is it because of the disrespectful manhandling of a woman, but due to the blatant utilization of a human as a dancing object or prop. 

The next morning, I decided to reach out to my #casinocousins by making a friendly post directed at other casineras/os in my dance community. 

The question posed was: 

We got many interesting responses. Not everyone agreed, and that was OK. Note: I really love how our casino community has mastered disagreeing in a respectful manner.

One of the main reasons why I have loved dancing casino for half my lifetime is because of this indescribable sense of connection, something that I don’t quite see in debatably similar dance forms such as salsa. As an outsider looking in, I often get the sense that many advanced salsa dancers are not dancing with each other, but for each other. Too many times, I’ve seen salseros dance whole songs looking at themselves in the mirror instead of engaging with their partners. I respect it and admire its beauty. It’s just not for me. Was casino becoming this? Couldn’t be!

I needed to hear different opinions and see what others’ feelings were about this topic. Clearly, mine were mixed. Hence, the post seeking community input. And did it help? Yes, it most certainly did. 

It was important for me to seek perspectives other than my own. As a therapist, I can assure you that one of the most basic therapeutic tools for my clients to understand what is going on internally is to actually “see” it externally. Think of feeling wheels, feeling flashcards, and psychoeducation. When we are emotionally blocked, these simple tools can help us decipher what is really going on inside. Clearly, this Facebook post– of all things – became my “feeling flashcards.”

Later that day, after considering each and every one of the comments of my community members,  I sat down to flesh out in more detail how I truly felt about this. Here are the conclusions of what I learned from my community amalgamated with my personal reflections:

Casino, like all dances, is a conversation.

In their most basic forms, conversations require at least two parties to exchange ideas, feelings and/or information. Conversations are not monologues. Conversations that are monotonous are boring as hell. I am sure that every single casinera/o out there has experienced both a monotonous dance before as well as a wanna-be monologue casino dance. A healthy conversation requires balance, ebb and flow.  

Some casineras/os converse by showing you their coolest turn patterns, some by following dutifully, some by setting themselves free to Despelote, some by back-leading, some by singing the song lyrics at the top of their lungs, some by following the song structure’s musicality, some by looking at the feet, some by looking into your eyes, or some by looking at your clavicle.(That was a new one for me! Thanks, community!). Whatever it may be, two parties interact, which means the exchange is there, and it is beautiful. 

Casino dances with eye contact 100% of the time are unnatural conversations (I’d argue in any setting, even for the therapists out there: Imagine that a client looks into your eyes non-stop the entire 50 minute session. Indisputably, clinically-concerning) and dances with 0% eye contact could be interpreted as impersonal in some USA cultures; nevertheless, there are many reasons why folks may not feel comfortable with looking into someone’s eyes. It could be a matter of culture and heritage, preference, beliefs on eye contact, discomfort, trauma, or just depending on the day. Whatever it is, it is part of our personal casino dancing language – an identity we bring to every dance exchange.

I don’t dance casino the same with all partners.

Let’s start with dancing casino with loved ones. I STARE at my wife 75% of the song duration because I love looking at her. Also, I have her consent. It was part of her wedding vows, lol. Joking aside, looking at my wife does not mean that I am staring INTO her eyes the whole time. There is a whole menu of parts of her body I look at during a song. Especially when she emphasizes those parts when she shimmies or when she suddenly changes her feet from dancing on the 1 to the 3 (dammit! LOL – love you!).  

I look at my friends a lot, maybe half of the song duration – laughing with them and singing to them. Because they are my friends, I know how they dance, and I know what dancing liberties I can take with them. This opens up a world of possibilities. So, I look around us on the dancefloor to see where we can travel to next, or see if we have space to execute a different move. 

Now, let’s talk about dancing with strangers. This one can get a bit tricky. The first principle of dancing with someone brand new is respect. But what in the world does that mean? Let’s break strangers down to two types: (1) the evidently-beginner stranger and (2) the stranger who dances but you’ve never danced with them before.

Saying that our New Orleans casino dance community is welcoming is an understatement. Personally, when I dance with someone who is brand new to dancing and trying to learn, I look into their eyes frequently in a reassuring manner. I also smile and have fun with them. Why? Because it is fun! And also, because this is how we welcome folks to our community. Oftentimes, when you’ve danced for a while, a fun dance can sadly be synonymous with a skilled dance. I really take advantage of dancing with beginners because they remind me of why I dance casino: exchange and community. Note that I mentioned “evidently-beginner;” meaning: an individual who makes it obvious and known that they are beginners and want to learn. We are not just assuming that someone less experienced than you is a beginner nor needs your reassurance. 

Now, let’s talk about the other strangers. A first dance with someone tells me a lot about our future dancing relationship: Will I dance with them again? Will I look for them every time a good song comes on? Will I feel free to dance to my fullest spirit with them? Will I need to protect my shoulders? Will I feel comfortable or uncomfortable? I am not saying first impressions are infallible, but they provide good information. 

I feel REALLY uncomfortable when someone stares INTO my eyes for what feels like the entire song and I don’t know where to look (RUN!). Especially if it is not someone who is a friend or acquaintance and we haven’t yet established rapport. 

Down the rabbit hole: Then again, if they were a friend, they would not be staring into my naked soul the whole time — just saying. Why are you looking at me so deeply? I don’t get it. Also, if you know how to dance, and so do I, we both know that casino is not really conducive to permanent eye contact, so I know you’re doing it on purpose. I don’t really want to go there too much, but there is also a category of strangers who dance with you and look at your “other set of female eyes.” That’s NOT OK. Throwing it out there. We notice! We see you! And we avoid you! And tell others to avoid you! So, please STOP! 😊

Engaging with you partner can exist without direct eye contact.

Looking AT your partner ≠ looking into your partner’s eyes. In my opinion, it is not acceptable to dance a whole song without looking AT your partner. That’s just… WHY?! You may need to find another hobby. 

Dancing without eye contact is very much possible, but is it my personal preference that my eyes don’t ever grace your eyes? Nope. Especially if I know you, and we have a level of trust. BUT if it’s a first dance with someone, or you’re just not comfortable with eye contact — I feel you. 

Engaging, though, is non-negotiable. If you don’t engage with me, it makes me feel like the follower in this video:

In the dancer’s defense, he does engage a few times with the dancing puppet. Also, this puppet dance buddy is brilliant. 

Going back to the Daybert & Wilma video: This was their first social dance ever. Although there was little to no eye contact, it was EVIDENT “de aquí a Hong Kong” (like Wilma would say) that they were very much engaged. What they transmitted to me was: How much they enjoyed this particular song, an exchange of “Cubanía” and musicality, a friendship being born, and two dancers learning each other’s style, and enjoying it. 

The dance structure of casino does not allow for continuous eye contact.

Eye contact aside, in my opinion, a lead should not be looking at their partner too much while dancing casino for a matter of safety and appropriate execution.

Casino, in its most basic structure, holds a staggered closed position. This makes looking at each other optional and not an obligation. Also, casino, often described as a “more circular” dance, is also a “traveling” dance where we take pleasant walks around or with our partner. That said, a lead must be looking at the surroundings to prevent collisions, protect their follower’s ankles and feet, and tracing their unlimited trajectory on the dancefloor – one of the beauties of casino. I can attest to the discomfort of feeling a lack of safety on the dance floor when your lead is distracted and leading you into other dancing bodies. 

For leads, we know that we have two main ways of leading: (1) With our arms, when we are traveling in an opposite directions to our partner (e.g. Enchufla, Vacila, Exhíbela, Rodeo)  and (2) with our whole body (e.g. Saloneo, Tiempo España, Promenade), when we are traveling together and in the same direction. I would argue that both of these leading options necessitate NOT looking at your partner — even less into their eyes.

For arm-leading: If the follower is doing a Rodeo, clearly you cannot look at them, and you should look around you to make sure you don’t Rodeo them into a ditch. 

For whole-body leading: If we are doing Saloneo, we absolutely must look away from our partners and in the direction of where we are traveling. I know we are not talking about rueda de casino in this blogpost, but please indulge me to emphasize this point. Think about when you execute Saloneo in a rueda de casino. How many times have we seen Saloneo go wrong? Crashes and collisions? Completely losing the structure of the circle? That’s why I believe Saloneo in a rueda de casino should be reserved for intermediate(+) casineras/os who are already more aware of their surroundings and honoring spacing and safety in a rueda de casino. Back to casino, here is a video of proper safety checking in whole-body leading:

Did you notice how at 00:15 Ramses looks back before leading Wilma to walk backwards? It was so subtle and organic. Looking away from your partner is absolutely necessary in casino.

For follows, another moment where eye contact is not possible is when doing synchronicity checks. Follows benefit from doing a couple “foot checks” (which involves looking down or really mastering your peripheral skills) to make sure we are syncing up with our leader. Sometimes it may feel like your lead gets off-beat and you want to fix it because that is not how you are feeling the music (GUILTY), but we need to follow their lead, which includes following their timing. When we are watching folks dancing casino, it is evident from the outside if the couple is resisting each other, rather than dancing with each other. I am personally hard-headed as hell and have been a musician since I was 3 years old, so — believe me— I know the legit internal suffering when someone leads me on what I consider is not the dominant beat. Especially when it’s my favorite song and I know all the song breaks I want to dance with, but the leader’s timing completely messes up my plans! We need to resist the urge to back-lead and give the leader a “WT* are you doing” eye contact! That is another example of eye contact etiquette in casino dancing, LOL. 

Casino Flirting

The last eye-contact tangent I will take is talking about the elephant in the room: Flirting in casino through eye contact 😏. Just like with any other dance, the reasons why casineras/os are made are innumerable. Can seeking romance/flirting be one of those reasons? ABSOLUTELY! Does it mean we all dance casino to flirt with people? No! I am married, and I definitely engage in healthy casino flirting with my casino dance crushes (without secondary intentions. I promise, Wilmi!). There is nothing wrong with wanting to flirt or even find a romantic partner in the casino world. It is a beautiful and healthy community. Eye contact for gauging attraction while dancing is definitely a possibility and OK as long as both parties feel safe and consensual. This circles back to the awkwardness and discomfort with too much eye contact we talked about earlier. Read the signs, friends! 

Casino is 100% Cuban; consequently, part of a beautiful, straight-forward, taboo-free culture for matters of romance. For those who have traveled to Cuba and danced with nationals who are not professional dancers: You know what I mean when the dance-flirting is OBVIOUS, and you can choose whether you want to flirt back. Even the unequivocal casino calls, like “Vacílala,” which roughly translates to “check her out,” is an example of this. Playful flirting is culturally ingrained in casino. 

My pitch here is, please be mindful of your amount and intensity of eye contact, as well as the responses for your partner when you are expressing (or trying to express) attraction towards them. 

Let’s wrap this up.

I know that I have digressed from the original issue of the lovely lady’s negative, yet polite, Facebook comment/question. After much thinking and deliberation, I came to the conclusion that on the surface, she appeared to have a point; however, the reality was that she was completely mistaken (I say this in the most respectful of ways). That beautiful dance between Wilma and Daybert was neither derogatory nor lacking visual connection. It was truly a beautiful example of a genuine casino dance — as Cuban as they come —and a demonstration of healthy first-dance gauging of your partner for: skill, compatibility, level of comfort, safety, and all of those important things we mentioned before. 

To drive this point home, it only took this original dance plus a lot of laughs and non-dance related conversations to get to this next level of casino connection in less than 24 hours. This was their second dance:

What was the difference? They now knew each other and had established rapport. Most importantly, they felt comfortable and safe to play around while dancing casino. I don’t know about you, but that is MY goal as a casinera. 

Even Daybert, who has outwardly expressed not being one to engage in much eye contact while dancing casino, totally “casino-eyed” Wilma during this dance (00:26, 00:52, 01:36 and other great moments) — so YOU KNOW they truly were enjoying it. 

Yay for Casino! And yay for this wonderful blog: Son y Casino!

About the author

Nicole Goldin was born in Lima, Peru, where she grew up listening to the best Cuban music of the 90s. One of her first CDs was La Charanga Habanera’s “Tremendo Delirio,” which she and her older sister listen to incessantly on road trips. That, and hits by Manolito Simonet, La Caroband, and Los Van Van were the soundtracks to her childhood. Dancing, however, to Cuban music did not start until age 17, when her unrequited High School crush asked her to go to a dance class because it was cheaper to go in a couple than alone. What she thought was an opportunity to fall in love with him actually became an eternal affair with casino. At 19, Nicole moved to New Orleans, where she continued dancing casually at local Latin clubs. In 2015, Nicole and 5 other women founded Dile Que NOLA, which was a female-only rueda de casino group. This small venture quickly expanded and incorporated into a non-profit organization. Ever since, Nicole has visited Cuba over a dozen times to study with numerous dance instructors: Yanek Revilla & Sabor DKY, Jorge Luna Roque & All Stars, Karelia Despaigne, Luiz Guzman, Victor Gonzalez, Fernando Bango Martinez, etc. Although Nicole does not like to refer to herself as a dance instructor, she likes to say she inspires New Orleans folks to take dance less seriously and make casino more approachable. To do so, in her free time, Nicole volunteers to lead weekly casino and rueda de casino community practices, organizes yearly trips to Cuba, free socials, and co-organizes the yearly Toda La Familia Weekender with Lori, her partner in crime. To be able to make a living, Nicole is a Licensed Addiction Counselor and Board-Certified Music Therapist (hence, the headshot with the talking drum), and owns a mental health group practice that serves all of Louisiana.